King of the Castle

A friend wrote me about her stressful marriage. She feels abused by her husband stating that he yells at her and berates her. This is my response. It is written in the spirit of love and intended to help all of us women who feel at times that our husbands words and attitude hurts our feelings.

Just like we as wives are learning how to be holy women, our husbands are learning to be holy men. They are going to fail, and hurt us, they are going to let their own emotions and the flesh "win" from time to time, or even most of the time. I HAVE BEEN THERE!

Over the years of marriage, and interacting with other women, mostly over the internet, I am more than a little surprised to find that many men do this. In my opinion, this is often because they have not had a godly man for a father, nor have they had any examples to follow.

Please don't get me wrong when I say this, but we live in a society that generally considers men to be inept. Men are one of the few groups of people that may be publicly mocked, emasculated, and degraded without any repercussions. Again, I am NOT justifying wrong actions, words, manner etc. One of the many reasons I said the above about men, is because of the way men are portrayed on TV, in movies, books, etc. Rewind the calendar and go back to the days when Father was honored and revered, when children waited with longing eyes and hearts for Daddy to get home, Daddy was KING of his castle and didn't have to fight for his position. Only today in our sermon, which are studies through the Bible chapter by chapter, there was a lot of wonderful correlation between the scriptures about God and the Priests and the People-in Malachi. Bob was focusing on the children and their attitude/actions. In Malachi the priest were rebuked bcz they were offering less than the best sacrifices to the LORD, and wondering why he didn't accept it. Bob told the children that God knows when we are doing our best (NOT that you aren't) and try to pass it off as being our best. The Priests in Malachi were sacrificing the blind, and sick and lame...that which was less valuable and was going to die, and wanted God to be pleased with it. God told them to offer it to the governor and see if he accepts it. The example Bob used was our children, when they are little, bring us gifts they made or picture they draw and we treasure these things because they gave their best effort to make it for us, now in 10 yrs. they will be ashamed of it but we will still love it. But if they gave us that same gift/picture when they were 10yrs. older and we knew they were capable of more, had seen better work from their hands, should we accept that with the same graciousness? I think not.


Let me assure you that Bob and I have had our rough times, some of them felt like they would destroy us. It is truly God's Grace and Mercy that has brought us thus far. As late as last week, and even yesterday we had a little difference...but let me back up and tell you what I, as a wife, as a mother, as a christian woman, got from this sermon--which was much more entailed, I'm only passing on the hightlights from memory and will eventually post the entire notes on the church website.

Beginning with the basics in my mind-the chain of command-God, Husband, Wife, children.
God is the KING of the Universe, He owns it all. He made it all. All things are subject to him, whether they want to be or not, and in the end, they will all bow down before him, obey him or pay the price for their disobedience. What I got from this message, from Malachi was so clear.....ever hear the expression about a Man being king of his castle? My husband has a kingdom. Your husband has a kingdom. That kingdom is his house/apt., his land; as his wife-we are his subject--isn't it interesting that people in a king's kingdom are called "subjects", (that just occurred to me). Part of the reason the founding fathers of America didnt' want a king was due to them having supreme power over their kingdom--besides the revolt against the mother country england--what the king said, went. We need only look to Esther's King-Husband, Herod, and other kings in Bible times, and other historical periods to see that some kings were good and others were evil, most lay somewhere in between. Nevertheless, to go against the wishes or commands et al of the king meant certain punishment, if not death. Since I am more familiar with Esther's story, I'll use her as an example. Esther was not allowed to approach the king the way she wanted. She feared the law regarding the sceptre. Her husband, the king, loved her. Kings probably have to be stern, harsh, and merciless, for the most part, so that their subjects will obey. Not sure where I was going...but I might jump back in there, ok?

Bob's kingdom is our house/property, his wife-me, his children-the tribe, and the church/ministry here.
The children and I, are his subjects. And we are subject to him by God's command. Depending on the type of king he wants to be known as will dictate his actions. I have to tell you though, with women being emotional types, and men be generally more practical, there is going to be differences in how things are said, and how they are taken on both sides. Anyway..back to what I got from the sermon....

As a subject of King Bob, my sole duty is to submit to him, obey him, and try to please him. By pleasing him I am obedient to the Word of God and thus I please the Father. The hardest thing to do is for me to keep my focus on MY action and reactions, and not on his. I can only control me...to a degree. It's really hard to put this all in a short email, and not sound preachy, or holier than thou.

When the King Leib is displeased with something in his kingdom, it whether it is a big issue or small to me, it is big to him. If instead of beheading me, he give me a lecture, perhaps raises the roof in the process, I need to figure out how to prevent him from being disturbed by that again. As his loyal subject, I want to please him, and keep him happy, and not bother or disturb him. (A quick read of Song of Solomon always helps here) A noisy toy is silenced if possible or removed, dirt is cleaned away, anything that upsets him, we all try to eliminate.

I think that a lot of MY problem has been misguided thinking born out of feminist ideaology that permeates everything....and has been adopted by most churches...

As women, we cannot think like a man. A man cannot think like a woman. The man who goes out to work each day, who works to provide for his family, to pay the bills, to resist temptation, needs to come home to or have a haven of rest and peace, free from care, bother, and to his liking. . He wants a kingdom that is at peace. He wants his kingdom to work a certain way.

For instance: the method/order that I would do a given task, like washing the dishes, is not necessarily the same method/order that Bob would do it. Neither of us is wrong. One of us has to defer to the other. Bob might or might not ask me why I do the dishes the way/order that I do, but is not required to do so. He has the right, as the head of our home, as the King of his kingdom, to say, I want you to do the dishes this way. Then it is my duty to train the children to do it that way, without me acting as though I am upset or disagree with the chosen method, and I MUST NOT let them think I think the king is wrong.

Another example: I grew up in a home where Daddy wanted supper when he walked in the door. He always came to the table to eat as soon as dinner was ready no matter what day it was. Bob grew up being shifted between foster families, his nanny, his mom-was left alone all night while she worked to the early morning hrs. ... His father was such biologically but nothing else. He was never mistreated, but did not experience an upbringing in a traditional family atmosphere like I did. This has been a HUGE point of contention betwween us. I have had to learn to let him eat if he feels like it when dinner is ready. Sometimes he doesn't even want what I made. This sounds awful, but it isn't as bad as it sounds...but I used to think it was terrible. We had fights about it until I decided, he's a big boy and if he doesn't want to eat when the food is ready, and hot, it's his loss. I know it sounds like a bad attitude but it's not. He will eat when he is good and ready, and sometimes he wants to eat a much simpler thing that i prepare. He didn't grow up eating a lot of dinners like we fix and eat. Plus I think being raised in NYC make a difference. He also worked from the age of about 13, which changes eating meals together too. When I finally came to terms with him being king and him being able to decide when he wanted to eat, no matter how much it might hurt my feelings, no matter how special a meal, or prep. time etc....what matters is ME allowing him to run his kingdom as he chooses.

Here's another topic: Home decor.... Bob and I have different tastes in home decor-colors, styles, etc, plus, the arrangement of rooms/furniture. You have no idea how long I have resented the fact that I cannot run out to the store and pick up a new set of sheets, or curtains without considering will Bob like them. (This applies to my clothes, the children's too) You say he is too controling--well, someone has to be in charge, right?
I have hated not having the liberty to redecorate a room MY way. I have fought to have my way in how an shelf is arranged! BUT, it's his castle. He pays for it. And he is loving and gracious and generous enough to let me stay here, and comes home to ME!!!! Yes, I earn my keep, and then some, but if I was laboring in a ministry outside my home, would I expect payment for my work? Would I have disdain for the leader thereof? Why then do I struggle with anger, frustration, disappointment, ....with my husband, the king of the kingdom. What is so difficult?

At times I think he is running things wrong. Don't look so shocked. We have had many fights and arguements. I've shed many tears of bitterness and hurt bcz I questioned his judgement. Good thing he isn't a king like those who would have cut my head off for treason. Our husbands need us to be behind them no matter what. And when we disagree with them it disturbs them and undermines them, and hurts them. Yes, they hurt too. Who else could hurt them more than us, their wife?

My husband needs me to support him, even when he is wrong and I know it, and he knows I know it. He needs to know I trust him. The way I trust him is I have to trust the LORD-that He is dealing with Bob, and that Bob is listening. That is hard! We FAR underestimate the power we have over our husbands. All the world can be for him, but if we are not, his spirit will crumble. We have the power to build or destroy the man God's given to rule over us. Which am I doing today? Uhhhhhh????

Abuse is almost a cliche these days. I actually hate the word. I know true abuse exists, and must be dealt with, however much of what people consider abuse isn't. People think any time a person is angry or stern, raises their voice that they are abusive. A lot of it is called LIFE. Living with another person creates conflict unless one or the other is willing to defer to the judgement, commands, and demands of the other. In our case, according to scripture, we are to reverence, submit, and be subject to our husbands, therefore it our duty to defer. If you husband or mine wants dessert for lunch, breakfast for lunch, and a steak dinner for breakfast, who am I to object. Will it please him? Will it kill me to do that?

Hormones are blamed for a lot of things. I KNOW how sensitive they can make you, how they throw your whole world out of kilter, especially when you are pregnant. Not only that, but something about being pregnant brings out your protective nature, your self preservation, and survival. Speaking for myself, pregnancy makes me selfish too. When I was pregnant it was all about how I felt-how tired, hungry,etc that I was. And I didn't want to be touched much either. Whether it was the marriage bed, or just a simple back rub....NO WAY...leave me alone. That was how I felt.

Now that I have given a glimpse into my struggles, let me show you my heart... and I admit that I often have to stop, take a deep breath, breathe a prayer for help, and readjust my thinking and attitude.... but my goal is to please my husband. What can I do to please him? What makes him happy? How can I help him be all he can be for the glory of God? If GOD asked me to do this for Him would I do it? Oh, I'd do anything God asks me to do.AMEN? ...well... If you would do anything God asks of you, what keeps you from doing so for your husband? This is a painful lesson/sermonette for me too. My toes are throbbing, and I'm the one writing this. OH me!!!